Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Random Musings #2

Had a much better day today. Dinner, karaoke session with Cres. Had our fill singing Hokkien songs - yes I'm partial to Hokkien songs, so sue me. (Watch out Mel, next time around we're gonna bombard you with these songs...we had our practice) Perhaps the perceived rut I was in was just me being caught up in how stagnant things seem, seem being the operative word here. I do have this Saturday's temp job to look forward to, that of teaching primary school brats science and mathematics. Elementary, I'm sure.
Was just thinking to myself earlier, why do we/I enjoy getting out 'there' so often? By there, I mean the weekly dose of drinking and clubbing. More the former than the latter for myself actually. I do enjoy the occasional drink every once in a while and if that translates to every weekend, I don't see any problem with that. Nothing beats quaffing down cheap wine and beer with good company, in my opinion. But I digress. It is not a matter of wanting to go out and take my chances to see if I get lucky. I'm sure J would agree that I have already got it made when we got together.
It is just that I enjoy a night out in the town sans partner, just to feel rejuvenated again. And if I do get to know someone, I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be jumping off the boat I've been on for 2 years. No one is worth the risk and I believe that unless there's an inherent problem within the couple, no one would risk what they share for a relatively anonymous piece of ass. Having said that, it is still flattering to get a smile or double look-over, simply because I'd probably spent an hour getting ready for the night out and a recognition for the effort would be greatly appreciated, thank you very much!
So there. I'd figured things out. And J, no need to worry about anything at all. It's not about you, it's not about us, it's about me. There was a me before a you, and before an us came along. I have to take care of myself, and on the other hand, I'm just really glad that I get to share a part of it with you.
It's sorted out then. All's well with the world. =)

Monday, July 19, 2004

Drive You Home - Garbage

It's funny how
Even now
You still support me after all the things that I've done
You're so good to me
Waiting patiently
And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care

I never said I was perfect
But I can take you away
Walk on shells tonight
Can't do right tonight
And you can't say a word cause I leap down your throat
So uptight am I
I never said I was perfect
But I can drive you home

I got down on myself
Working too hard
Driving myself to death
Trying to beat up the faults in my head
What a mess I've made
Sure we all make mistakes
But they see me so large
That they think I'm immune to the pain

Walk on shells tonight
Can't do right tonight
And you can't say a word cause I leap down your throat
So uptight am I
I'm praying for a miracle
But I won't hold my breath

I never said I was perfect
But can you take me home

Random Musings #1

My first attempt at writing anything of semblance to a diary. Never ever kept one, never thought I would keep one. I guess it's the propensity to commit verbal diarrhoea that stopped me from keeping a journal. It was sheer boredom and not knowing what to do with myself that spurred me onto writing. I mean, look, I wouldn't have anything witty to say or anything interesting to further the art of diary-keeping. Me, I've always been a pent-up individual that prefers keeping his thoughts to himself, afterall, no use sharing it with the world when you can half-expect them not to get what you're saying.
Was going through some e-journals written by my friends earlier, and their musings about life, just seem so negatively poignant. Got me thinking about my life. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? Given the open-ended questions, someone more positive would probably have wild and great ambitions. For me, a realist but NOT a pessimist, these questions just reveals the inane state of ennui that I'm in. How am I to proceed on, whether to break the shackles of familiarity and plunge into the unknown, or to simply drift along?
This lack of direction and focus is not made any better when I learned yesterday that my plans to travel to Melbourne would be cancelled. 2 of my friends backed out and the only thing I've been looking forward to this semester break was dashed. No holiday plans, no exciting activities lined up, just days of sleeping at 4 in the morning and getting up at 3 in the afternoon.
Perhaps this time of quiet and passivity would be a good chance for me to reflect, note that I use the term 'reflect' loosely seeing I've got the attention span of a 3 yr old. But yes, I think I do need some time to work things out internally and figure out what I want and what I need.