Monday, August 23, 2004

Still Moping

I can't resist writing more. Yes, my blog has become something of a whine-box. But so be it if it makes me feel better. Liberated, he says, of his current predicament. I never saw myself as one who would suffocate or choke my partner. So I can't quite understand why it would be a liberation from me/us. It's sad that we didn't have so much as a phone conversation before we called it quits. So many things left unsaid, so many things left undone. And he calls it a liberation. I do suppose that metaphorically, things have come full circle, with the closure of Centro, where we first met and talked, and how we've become almost strangers now..

I can say that I'm truly happy if he is at a better place right now than he has ever for the past 2 years. Yes. It is my fault that he feels that way. I suppose the cards are all laid out. He is happier now than before because of the split. For selfish reasons, I could call and bug him demanding an explanation. But what's there left to be said if he, self-admittedly, is enjoying his life so much more now? Would there be a point to all that? And then there is me, not necessarily feeling down all the time, but when the time comes when I'm just alone in my room, our shared past just flashes over and over again. Everything in that room reminded me of our past.

And hence, the reason to move out. And also, what with my mum asking incessantly about him and why hasn't he been visiting for so long. In response to her badgering, all I could offer was, "He's been busy with work." I guess it would be a good change to be more involved in varsity life. But of course, those memories of the past nibbles away somewhere in the core of me. Perhaps it is escapism that I moved out. Perhaps it is escapism that I've been going out for drinks so often. But guess what, at the end of it all, when I'm back in my room alone, the numbness just dissipates and it's back to square one. Back to square one, indeed..

Just Moping

The only thing worse about not getting what you want is not knowing what you want. Its been almost a month since we last talked. I wonder how he is getting along. I suppose things arent the same anymore. I sent him a couple of emails and they were totally in bad taste. I suppose it was just reactionary on my part. He still matters a lot. But I refuse to mope. I refuse to let myself go down the road of "what if's". People always tell me to know what you want and then go for it, without looking back. This task seems daunting as hell if you aren't even sure of what's happening. Question marks abound and fill my thoughts. Terence and Cres was over at my place earlier this noon, Diana Ross was playing on the radio and "Do you know where you're going to" (Theme from Mahogany) came on. Terence just looked at me and deadpanned:" Thats you right now." Ouch.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Dreamsome - Shelby Lynne

In the dark I can hear you whisper
shadows still, move across the distance

What did you say, it's okay
Did you miss me
Did you miss me

Make it mine, takin' time, forgotten
speak for me, silent plea, surrender

What did you say, it's okay
Did you miss me
Did you miss me

You know at times I wondered
if you ever thought of me
and I wondered if you wanted to be free
like me, and I needed to feel you and
I wondered did you miss me baby, oh yeah

Turn to gray, bluer shade, when the sun comes
Peaceful time, cease your mind, Dreamsome

What did you say, it's okay, oh baby
Did you miss me
Did you miss me

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Bagfuls of Memories

And so the clothes are packed. 2 bagfuls of memories filled by happier times. Nothing I can do I suppose. Perhaps the threshold has been treaded on and even exceeded too many times. It's not a matter of lost feelings nor emotions, but just plain old lethargy. When the heart is weary and lethargic, perhaps, the only way to stir it is to move on along, forward. Isn't it the most painful thing, this exquisite pain, when both parties are just too drawn and battle-scarred to find a way out? I do admit, being with me is certainly not an easy thing to do. And J has been thoroughly patient with me as well as being extremely forgiving. I guess we might be inherently wrong for each other. The small things we agree on, whilst the bigger issues we differ. That would be the problem with us. He is weary, so am I. But why is there a longing-ness and soreness in my core? I know for a fact that if we had met each other under other circumstances, things might have worked out differently. But I guess some things in life, all you have is a single chance and once you screw that up, you screw everything over along with it.

All the bravado about moving on and being a better individual as a single person just seems so alien at this point. When you are staring this option, or rather this non-option, I suppose the task can be quite daunting. What can be said has been said and I guess no one could fault us for not trying to iron out the kinks in our relationship. There is however, always, a question mark at the back of my mind if I had tried hard enough. And if I hadn't, would it possible to work even harder on it? The answer seems bleak and hopeless, but to just let it go at that is just too difficult. And even if the choices are limited to just letting go, why the inertia that we feel? Once you had embarked on something for 2 years, investing time and energy, the answers are just not so simple anymore. You can't withdraw whatever you had put into it.

And so, faced with this lack of options, I know and I suppose I do have to let it go. It's difficult when you move in the same circles. The repercussions are gonna be crazy. So much shit to pick up and it's as if you're treading on eggshells 24/7. Maybe I am just incapable right now to be in a relationship. I think I need a break, I do need a break. I don't wanna have mindless sex, but neither do I think I can stay focused in a relationship. Doing the latter would probably result in a rehash of this episode. I am not saying that I am the victim in this case. Far from it, was as much the perpetrator as the victim, but it doesn't mean that this does not strike a chord in me. It's no fucking stroll in the park. 2 years down the drain. Believe me, it burns.


Random Musings #4

And so it is finished. The rounds of partying through the long weekend is over with the Recovery party at Zouk last night. The DJ spinned great stuff last night.. pity that the Moets were not one for one. After the 3 days of clubbing, so here I sit, feeling just a tad lost. I think circuit parties are like going on an E-trip (or so I've been told, hehe). After the extreme highs that you experience, once the party is over, you just plummet down. For me, nothing that abysmal but it just left me with the question: "So bloody what?" Make no mistake about it, I had fun. Tremendous fun. But I can't help but wonder, what now till the next party? And contrary to what people think, I don't live to party. Heaven forbid I wind up as a circuit queen. Which will NOT happen, I assure you. :)

Anyways, after the party which ended at about the time when the hetero half of Singapore gets up to get ready for work, I had my usual packet of vegetarian noodles from the market. J and I, after mahjong, clubbing or whatever, would always frequent this same stall and ask for extra crispy gluten. But today, after 3 days of clubs packed with sweaty boys and nothing still from J after 3 weeks, having the noodles just didn't feel the same. No, I'm not whining. It's too early to know if there's any cause to whine for as yet, but was just in a contemplative mood this morning. But I'm a stickler for looking at the bright side of things when it comes to relationships so which ever way it goes, I'm sure all would be just fine.

Well, school starts tomorrow. And it lasts for all of 2 hours. I mean, the journey taken to travel to NUS and back is about the same duration as my lecture. But it'd be nice to check out the new freshmen. I hope that'd finally liven up my lunch hour at the canteen. I know that there's always a silver lining somewhere. :)

Monday, August 09, 2004

Parties, Parties, Parties.

"I don't believe in the Republican or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties" - These words were immortalised by Samantha Jones on Sex and The City. And boy, was I feeling these words the past few days! Was out at Mox on Friday night with my some of my friends and drank ourselves silly (as always). Thereafter, headed down to a straight joint, Mdm Wong's cos some of the, ermm.. "girls" wanted to check the crowd out. Drank even more there.. between the 4 of us, we must have had a bottle of wine each, and thats NOT including endless glasses of double-shot vodka cranberry at Mox!
Then, I had the most bizarre experience at Mdm Wong's. Some straight guy, (if you'd been to the club, you'd know that they only cater to the straight demographic) actually chatted me up at the bar! Ok, before you dismiss this as wishful thinking on my part, it is not just a "brudder-brudder" thing. He actually bought me a drink and exchanged numbers, in between this he was also getting a ermm... how do I put it without shocking your hetero sensitivity..ok, a little touchy-feely. So, me being the beacon of propriety, suggested that we spare his fellow heteros the eyesore and move on to Taboo. Now, don't get your knickers in a twist, nothing happened thereafter, we just stayed at Tabs for a bit, before parting ways. Afterall, we just met and I couldn't possibly let anything happen, could I? :)
On Sunday, 8th Aug, came the big kahuna of a party... Nation 2004! Initially, I had some reservations about going, but as with the previous Nations, all it took was some last-minute cajoling and I'd be fretting about what to wear. Let it be said.. Nation 2004 was fucking fabulous! My friends and I avoided the main dance area and just partied around the water fountains, as well as watching the boys go by. And man, were the boys yummy. Drank a bottle of red before the event and shit-loads of E33 there. So was suitably pissed and generally partying my ass off till 5 in the morning. Got introduced to my other friend's friends too.. and some of them are really quite yummy..hmm.... I could have 'em for breakfast!
And tonight, am gonna head to Zouk. The post-Nation recovery party. "Recovery" basically gives us the excuse to party on a Monday and further send our livers into overdrive - as if Nation didn't do enough! Another party to go to, let it never end!

Monday, August 02, 2004

Random Musings #3

Haven't posted the past week. Was following the 2004 Democratic Convention on CNN. It was really impressive, like a rock concert of sorts. Kind of like, one of those Charismatic Christian Sunday services. All very glammed up, glossed over and packaged. High point for me was when John Kerry's wife, Teresa told a reporter to "shove it" in response to his badgering. This woman has got balls of steel. I like John Kerry, I mean any guy who is able to put up with as forceful and upfront a person as Teresa Heinz Kerry, ought to be a real nice guy. Also watched tonnes of tennis. Kudos to StarSports for their great live coverage. Another victory by Roger Federer over Andy Roddick. Great classy performance by Federer.. Roddick wasn't even close. With all the time in the world in between watching the coverage of the Convention and tennis, I started thinking about things. Relationships, in particular.
Relationships are tricky things. I mean, the coming of 2 persons (hopefully, its just 2) can give rise to a whole lot of trouble. 2 fundamentally different and unique individuals, you can bet your last dollar that there'd problems, problems, problems. The past week, I got into thinking, just how hard it is to, at 22, be able to settle down with someone and to be able to see a future with that person. Really. What. Are. The. Chances? This is just an age-old question, isn't it? My older and maybe wiser friends tell me that, logically-speaking, at 22 it's gonna be a long-shot at "happily ever after". And the disturbing thing is, I actually believe them.
Which leads me to doing really silly and irresponsible things. Like putting an expiry date on it. If someone is gonna put an expiry date on his relationship, that's just exactly what would happen. The whole damned thing would indeed, expire. I don't know if it's a matter of not having enough optimism, or am I being realistic about my chances? I fancy myself as a level-headed, pragmatic person. And from this angle, I sincerely do think that the odds are stacked and at this point in time, I'm just not sure anymore if it's worth the trouble and risk.