Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Bagfuls of Memories

And so the clothes are packed. 2 bagfuls of memories filled by happier times. Nothing I can do I suppose. Perhaps the threshold has been treaded on and even exceeded too many times. It's not a matter of lost feelings nor emotions, but just plain old lethargy. When the heart is weary and lethargic, perhaps, the only way to stir it is to move on along, forward. Isn't it the most painful thing, this exquisite pain, when both parties are just too drawn and battle-scarred to find a way out? I do admit, being with me is certainly not an easy thing to do. And J has been thoroughly patient with me as well as being extremely forgiving. I guess we might be inherently wrong for each other. The small things we agree on, whilst the bigger issues we differ. That would be the problem with us. He is weary, so am I. But why is there a longing-ness and soreness in my core? I know for a fact that if we had met each other under other circumstances, things might have worked out differently. But I guess some things in life, all you have is a single chance and once you screw that up, you screw everything over along with it.

All the bravado about moving on and being a better individual as a single person just seems so alien at this point. When you are staring this option, or rather this non-option, I suppose the task can be quite daunting. What can be said has been said and I guess no one could fault us for not trying to iron out the kinks in our relationship. There is however, always, a question mark at the back of my mind if I had tried hard enough. And if I hadn't, would it possible to work even harder on it? The answer seems bleak and hopeless, but to just let it go at that is just too difficult. And even if the choices are limited to just letting go, why the inertia that we feel? Once you had embarked on something for 2 years, investing time and energy, the answers are just not so simple anymore. You can't withdraw whatever you had put into it.

And so, faced with this lack of options, I know and I suppose I do have to let it go. It's difficult when you move in the same circles. The repercussions are gonna be crazy. So much shit to pick up and it's as if you're treading on eggshells 24/7. Maybe I am just incapable right now to be in a relationship. I think I need a break, I do need a break. I don't wanna have mindless sex, but neither do I think I can stay focused in a relationship. Doing the latter would probably result in a rehash of this episode. I am not saying that I am the victim in this case. Far from it, was as much the perpetrator as the victim, but it doesn't mean that this does not strike a chord in me. It's no fucking stroll in the park. 2 years down the drain. Believe me, it burns.


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