Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Lesson in Priority

It's 6am. Just finished talking with C. Explicitly told her initially that let's not let our conversations veer towards our relationship woes. Of course, that didn't happen. One of the reasons why I've been so reluctant to meet for tete-a-tetes with her was the inevitability of this happening. But meet we did anyway tonight, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. We did talk about a whole lot of things. About mahjong and what's up in school. For me, my lousy auditions...ended up being cast NOT as the lead. I know it's still the main cast and it's a pivotal role in the entire production, kind of like Kathy Bates' roles - non leading but requires great nuances in acting (as if I can pull that off), but I still wanna be the lead! Anyhows, sang terribly yesterday. Realised I had the range of a toad, just one octave. How pathetic can that be? The average human being has a range of about 2!

When our conversation eventually went to our relationships, we talked generally about what had went wrong in them. Realised I had a very bad sense of prioritising when it matters most. Last time around, I had left J at home to go drinking with my friends. This was one of his pet peeves. Exceptional situations aside, I do realise when it comes to decision-making, I'm incredibly stupid. I had didn't want to disappoint my friends by saying no. I'm one who tries desperately to not be one of those who neglects his friendships in favour of his partner. And although I've been guilty of it before, this time around, due to my own conscience that this charge may be true, I foolishly caved in to my friends. (There were other situational factors, but it'd be too lengthy to put it to words).

I had wished I was more steadfast with my decision to say no. It's too late of course. It's all a matter of too late and too little done. J has been and is a special part of my life, and I suppose if push comes to shove, my priorities have got to lie with him. And that's something I've found out too late of course. I'd go out on a limb and say that if things do improve somewhere down the long, arduous, meandering future, I'd be better inclined to put my foot down in such situations like this. And I believe my friends would be understanding towards that. Just because less time is spent, need not necessarily mean that a friendship is displaced.

I realised also that the important thing is not about us getting back together. But rather, what's important is if and when we do get back together, I should concern myself with keeping him by not repeating all the shit that I've done. And God knows, I've laid some terrible shit on him. And I suppose prioritising is a start to all that.

It's not about getting him back, it's about keeping him happy when and if it happens that makes all the difference, stupid.

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